The last time I put Mitch on a plane for deployment was awful. Just awful. I was an absolute wreck. It was our first deployment, I was 30 weeks pregnant and now I was losing my husband for 6 months. I walked him as far as I could and gave him a hug and kiss that I hoped to hold onto for the next 6 months and then ran quickly back to the car. I am not good at crying in front of people and there were a lot of families there so I went and sat in my car and bawled and sobbed, rinse and repeat, for several minutes. When I somewhat pulled myself together, I realized that his plane had not left yet so I gathered myself as best as I could and I walked back to the fence at the flight line in hopes of catching one more glimpse of my love before the plane took off.
As I was standing there wiping the tears that rolled down my face no matter how hard I tried to fight them, I looked over and saw a woman herding her 3 children back to their vehicle. The kids were a mess. So sad that their daddy was leaving again for another 6 months. The woman though, she was so cool and collected. She did not have a single tear. Her makeup was still perfect and she said in a completely unshaken voice to her children, "It's ok, it's only 6 months. He'll be back before you know it."
When I watched this, and heard that come from her mouth, I thought "How could she be so calm?! How could she not be broken by her husband and the father of her children leaving?! Why is she not crying with those babies about not being able to hold her man for 6 whole months?! What is WRONG with this woman?!" I swore that day that I would NEVER be that way. That I would never lose the feelings that I had that day and that I would have them every time he left. From that day until just recently, I have thought about that woman. The image burnt into my brain and I have been SO MAD at her for the way that she was that afternoon. I didn't get it then, but I get it now.
Within the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about when Sophi and I have to put her daddy on a plane again very soon. Difference is, this time Sophi is actually here and she will be every time from here on out when we have to kiss Mitch goodbye for however long he will be gone. Something clicked for me the other day when I was thinking about how I'm going to have to learn to keep it together and be strong for our daughter as she says goodbye to her daddy, how I'm going to have to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't forget him while he is gone. It was in that moment that I thought about the woman with her three kids. All of a sudden my anger shifted to myself. I realized that this woman was probably as broken and devastated as I was. I imagine that after she got her children to bed that night, she shut herself in her room and cried and prayed for her husband's safe return in 6 months. I realized something that I could have never realized before actually becoming a mom. This woman was probably staying strong to PROTECT her babies. This is what she did and this is what I will have to do every time we say goodbye from now on. I no longer see her as who I once saw her as and I feel terrible for doing so in the first place. I'm sure that one day, there will be a woman in the same position that I was in before, without children and a complete mess, saying goodbye at the flight line and I'm sure that she will look at me the same way that I looked at this other mom but I pray that when that day comes, she will realize that I'm just doing it because I love my husband and I love our child and I need to keep her safe.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Doing This for ME
I don't know how it happened but I only gained 24 lbs when I was pregnant. I weighed 163 lbs the night I gave birth. I just knew that the rest of the weight would come off quickly when I could start working out again in 6 weeks. Six weeks later, I was advised to not work out because I was struggling with keeping my milk supply up and I wanted to continue breast feeding more than I wanted to lose the weight so now my plans to get myself back on track would be on hold until Sophi turned one.
I don't know how I let it happen, but, I kind of just let myself go. I gained almost all of my pregnancy weight back. It sucks and if I wasn't on anti-depressants, I just may hate myself for it. Instead, I've made the decision that starting this week, it's my time. It's time for me to focus in and get back to being the healthy, fit, tight body that I was on May 25th, 2010. So I'm putting it all out on the line right here for the world to see. I'm terrified and ashamed but I know that holding myself accountable and Mitch holding me accountable might not be enough. So here goes...
Yesterday morning, Mitch and I made the commitment to start waking up at 5:00am 6 days a week and doing the BeachBody Insanity Workout . I won't lie, it's hard. Real hard. We did the Fit Test yesterday and this morning we did the Plyometric Cardio workout. I had to really dig deep and push my way through. I had to stop and rest for a few seconds here and there and I moaned and groaned my way through but I DID IT. For once in over a year, I did it for ME. Not for Sophi, not for Mitch or for our dogs or our friends or family, not (just) for bathing suit season. I pushed through and did it for Kammi.
I'm excited to be taking this journey again. I can't wait to see what the results will be. I'm not aiming for a certain weight or pants size. I just want to be fit and feel great in my skin. I know that I can. I know that I will. I hope that you will stick around and take this journey with me!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A letter to my tiniest love...
My darling Sophi,
Today is February 3rd, 2012 and in just a couple of hours (1:15am) you will officially be a one year old. Wow. My stomach turns to knots and my heart aches a little just thinking about it. This has been the hardest year of mommy's life but yet, it has been the best and the most rewarding. I love you more than I ever thought I could love. You are my moon and my stars, baby. When mommy was pregnant with you, I knew that what was coming would be a challenge. What I didn't expect was you. You are me. My mini-me. You are stubborn and are all attitude but you are so silly, too. I know that I've said it before, baby, but you are my greatest accomplishment. My sun rises and sets with you (sometimes quite literally). When you smile at me, it doesn't matter how bad my day has been or what else is going on in my world, when I see your smile my world stops and all I see is you. Baby, you amaze me. You make mommy feel things that she never knew she could feel and I am so thankful for that!
As of today, you are crawling all over the place, you are climbing the stairs at lightning speed (with mommy behind you, of course), you will walk holding onto the furniture, our hands, or your walk along toys but you have not started walking on your own just yet, you have four beautiful teeth (top and bottom fronts) with at least two more coming very soon, when you hear music that you like, you start clapping and flailing your arms about (you LOVE Family Feud!), you clap and wave and blow kisses to everyone and everything unless asked to do so (you do not like to act on cue), you refuse to say "mama" anymore, even though I know that you can say it. When I try to get you to say "mama" you very prominently look right at me and say "DA DA DA". Silly girl, you keep me on my toes! You are still nursing at least 3 times a day and sometimes more if you are having a rough day. You are very attached to mama in this aspect and even though I know that it's time, it's going to be very difficult weaning you off.
You are quite small, still. At one year old, you are still wearing mostly 6 month onsies, 9 month bottoms due to the big booty your cloth diapers give you (it's too cute!), mostly 6 month tops but you still pull off some of your 3/6 tops, and you are just now starting to outgrow your 6 month jammies but the 9 months are so big that you can almost crawl right out of them. Your daddy and I had to take you to the doctor recently when you caught a little cold and you weighed in at a whopping 17 pounds. Our little lady! Your 12 month check up is on Monday and I'm looking forward to seeing how tall you are now.
So, my tiniest love, even though I'm a little sad about what day tomorrow is, I know that we have such an amazing future and that not only will I get to teach you about life, but you will teach me about life and about who I am and who I am destined to be. This next year will be our greatest adventure and I can't wait to take the adventure with you and your wonderful daddy! I'm going to sign off now, darling. It's 11:13pm and you will surely be up early in the morning so mommy needs her rest. Big day tomorrow!
I love you,
Your Mommy (a.k.a. your biggest fan)
XoXo
P.S. Here are some of my favorite Sophi moments from the past year:
Today is February 3rd, 2012 and in just a couple of hours (1:15am) you will officially be a one year old. Wow. My stomach turns to knots and my heart aches a little just thinking about it. This has been the hardest year of mommy's life but yet, it has been the best and the most rewarding. I love you more than I ever thought I could love. You are my moon and my stars, baby. When mommy was pregnant with you, I knew that what was coming would be a challenge. What I didn't expect was you. You are me. My mini-me. You are stubborn and are all attitude but you are so silly, too. I know that I've said it before, baby, but you are my greatest accomplishment. My sun rises and sets with you (sometimes quite literally). When you smile at me, it doesn't matter how bad my day has been or what else is going on in my world, when I see your smile my world stops and all I see is you. Baby, you amaze me. You make mommy feel things that she never knew she could feel and I am so thankful for that!
As of today, you are crawling all over the place, you are climbing the stairs at lightning speed (with mommy behind you, of course), you will walk holding onto the furniture, our hands, or your walk along toys but you have not started walking on your own just yet, you have four beautiful teeth (top and bottom fronts) with at least two more coming very soon, when you hear music that you like, you start clapping and flailing your arms about (you LOVE Family Feud!), you clap and wave and blow kisses to everyone and everything unless asked to do so (you do not like to act on cue), you refuse to say "mama" anymore, even though I know that you can say it. When I try to get you to say "mama" you very prominently look right at me and say "DA DA DA". Silly girl, you keep me on my toes! You are still nursing at least 3 times a day and sometimes more if you are having a rough day. You are very attached to mama in this aspect and even though I know that it's time, it's going to be very difficult weaning you off.
You are quite small, still. At one year old, you are still wearing mostly 6 month onsies, 9 month bottoms due to the big booty your cloth diapers give you (it's too cute!), mostly 6 month tops but you still pull off some of your 3/6 tops, and you are just now starting to outgrow your 6 month jammies but the 9 months are so big that you can almost crawl right out of them. Your daddy and I had to take you to the doctor recently when you caught a little cold and you weighed in at a whopping 17 pounds. Our little lady! Your 12 month check up is on Monday and I'm looking forward to seeing how tall you are now.
So, my tiniest love, even though I'm a little sad about what day tomorrow is, I know that we have such an amazing future and that not only will I get to teach you about life, but you will teach me about life and about who I am and who I am destined to be. This next year will be our greatest adventure and I can't wait to take the adventure with you and your wonderful daddy! I'm going to sign off now, darling. It's 11:13pm and you will surely be up early in the morning so mommy needs her rest. Big day tomorrow!
I love you,
Your Mommy (a.k.a. your biggest fan)
XoXo
P.S. Here are some of my favorite Sophi moments from the past year:
Monday, January 30, 2012
Will you help our Monkey win her first award?
One morning, earlier this month, I was playing on the living room floor with the Monkey, listening to the news in the background, and trying to caffeinate myself out of a haze when I heard something about the "America's Most Photogenic Baby" contest. "What is this?", I thought...so I decided to look into it. Turns out that every year, there is a national photo contest to find America's most photogenic baby! The best thing about this contest (and the main reason that I entered Sophi) is that it was created to benefit The Children's Miracle Network for Shands Jacksonville and Wolfson Children's Hospital. I've always had a heart for giving but when it comes down to children, especially since becoming a mother, I'm all in.
So on the day of the contest, I bought Sophi a dress, made a matching hair bow, and we were off to have some pictures taken. At the check-in, we were informed that I could enter her in up to 4 categories (Beautiful, Comical, Fashionable, & Precious). The photographer was so great with Sophi. At first, she just sat there staring at his flash but he was able to finally get her comfortable enough to move (that and I had her chasing my keys around). All in all, I think he took 50-something pictures and then it was time for me to pick how many pictures and what categories to enter her into. While I could have entered them all (of course, I am her biggest fan!), I picked two pictures and entered her into the most beautiful and the most precious. Which ones did I enter, you ask? Here they are:
Most Beautiful
Most Precious
Gorgeous, right? Ok so anyway, down to the part where I ask for your help! The judging goes like this: For each category there is a judge's vote. These judges are from various talent agencies around Jacksonville and they will pick the winner in each category. The winner gets title of Jacksonville's Most Beautiful or Precious or whatever baby and then gets to move on and try for America's Most Beautiful. There is also a voter's choice award. This is where you guys come in to play. Sophi needs your votes!! Each vote is a donation to The Children's Miracle Network in the amount of $.50. That's it! Just 50 cents! You can "vote" as many times as you'd like. Now I am not one to EVER ask for money. As a matter of fact, I have been sitting on this since early January because I hate asking. But the fact is, it's for a REALLY good cause. So here's what I want to do: I am going to add all of the links to the contest below and also give you all my paypal address. If any of you feel like helping our little Monkey win the voter's choice award, that's great! If not, it's no big deal. We appreciate your love and support and know that times are tough for a lot of us right now. If you do decide to help, we will need your donations no later than this Sunday (Feb. 5th). The money has to be turned in by the 11th and it will take a few days to trasfer funds from paypal to our bank account. She's waking up from her not-so-nap (a whopping 25 minutes) so I need to jump off but if you have any questions, Facebook me OR send an e-mail. My e-mail is the same as my paypal address. Thank you all SO much!
Links:
America's Most Photogenic Baby Contest
About Children's Miracle Network
Sponsorship Form
PayPal address: kammi.killeen@gmail.com
So on the day of the contest, I bought Sophi a dress, made a matching hair bow, and we were off to have some pictures taken. At the check-in, we were informed that I could enter her in up to 4 categories (Beautiful, Comical, Fashionable, & Precious). The photographer was so great with Sophi. At first, she just sat there staring at his flash but he was able to finally get her comfortable enough to move (that and I had her chasing my keys around). All in all, I think he took 50-something pictures and then it was time for me to pick how many pictures and what categories to enter her into. While I could have entered them all (of course, I am her biggest fan!), I picked two pictures and entered her into the most beautiful and the most precious. Which ones did I enter, you ask? Here they are:
Most Beautiful
Most Precious
Gorgeous, right? Ok so anyway, down to the part where I ask for your help! The judging goes like this: For each category there is a judge's vote. These judges are from various talent agencies around Jacksonville and they will pick the winner in each category. The winner gets title of Jacksonville's Most Beautiful or Precious or whatever baby and then gets to move on and try for America's Most Beautiful. There is also a voter's choice award. This is where you guys come in to play. Sophi needs your votes!! Each vote is a donation to The Children's Miracle Network in the amount of $.50. That's it! Just 50 cents! You can "vote" as many times as you'd like. Now I am not one to EVER ask for money. As a matter of fact, I have been sitting on this since early January because I hate asking. But the fact is, it's for a REALLY good cause. So here's what I want to do: I am going to add all of the links to the contest below and also give you all my paypal address. If any of you feel like helping our little Monkey win the voter's choice award, that's great! If not, it's no big deal. We appreciate your love and support and know that times are tough for a lot of us right now. If you do decide to help, we will need your donations no later than this Sunday (Feb. 5th). The money has to be turned in by the 11th and it will take a few days to trasfer funds from paypal to our bank account. She's waking up from her not-so-nap (a whopping 25 minutes) so I need to jump off but if you have any questions, Facebook me OR send an e-mail. My e-mail is the same as my paypal address. Thank you all SO much!
Links:
America's Most Photogenic Baby Contest
About Children's Miracle Network
Sponsorship Form
PayPal address: kammi.killeen@gmail.com
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Tantrums
Lately, Sophi has been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. This is a concern for me, I think, because of her age. Is it typical for an 11 month old baby to have at least 4 tantrums a day where she will literally throw herself onto the ground, lock her entire body up, arch her back and start screaming like she's possessed? She does it any time I try to remove her from doing something that she isn't supposed to be doing or any time I dare to try and change her diaper or get her dressed. I'm at a total loss. One day last week, I tried to remove her from climbing up under a console table in our living room. I went to pick her up and as soon as I did, she pitched herself backwards in a fit and slammed her head into the metal foot of the table. Scared. The. Crap. Out of me. I have no idea what to do about these tantrums. I refuse to spank at this age. I firmly believe that a child does not understand discipline until around age 2. I've heard to just ignore her but how do I ignore her when she throws the fit while I'm holding her? I try "loving her through them" by holding her and trying to calm her down but the longer I do this, the more tantrums she seems to throw. I talked with Mitch about it last night and I think we are going to try to ignore them as best as we can by just not reacting to them. Hopefully this strategy works. If her tantrums are this bad now, what will they be like a year from now?? I told my mom that I totally blame her for this. The whole "one day you'll have one that's twice as bad as you" curse stuck for me! ;)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Starting Back Simple
When Sophi was a newborn, she would sleep on me all of the time. I used to get so much joy from watching her while she would sleep. The way her legs and arms would twitch ever so slightly, the way her eye lids softly flutter or her lips perch like she was nursing away. I always wondered what exactly she was dreaming, if she was actually dreaming. It has been (what seems like) forever since I've watched her sleep like that. Probably 7 or so months. She will be a year old in just a few weeks and today she gave me a gift greater than I could have wished for, something that I had no idea how much I missed. Today, my baby fell asleep in my arms and I got to watch all of her little infant sleep movements, possibly for the last time. I got to hold her for nearly an hour and even though my arm was aching and my back was slightly uncomfortable, I was so happy just being there with my girl. It made me realize that maybe I need to breathe in every single one of the moments between now and February 4th because before I know it, my baby will be a one year old. I am so sad but so happy at the same time. Even though sometimes she makes me feel like I'm going to lose my mind, I marvel in her accomplishments and I'm deeply moved by the quiet moments that we will share. She is endlessly fascinating. She is my greatest love. My greatest accomplishment. My angel.
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