I Get It Now

The last time I put Mitch on a plane for deployment was awful. Just awful. I was an absolute wreck. It was our first deployment, I was 30 weeks pregnant and now I was losing my husband for 6 months. I walked him as far as I could and gave him a hug and kiss that I hoped to hold onto for the next 6 months and then ran quickly back to the car. I am not good at crying in front of people and there were a lot of families there so I went and sat in my car and bawled and sobbed, rinse and repeat, for several minutes. When I somewhat pulled myself together, I realized that his plane had not left yet so I gathered myself as best as I could and I walked back to the fence at the flight line in hopes of catching one more glimpse of my love before the plane took off.

As I was standing there wiping the tears that rolled down my face no matter how hard I tried to fight them, I looked over and saw a woman herding her 3 children back to their vehicle. The kids were a mess. So sad that their daddy was leaving again for another 6 months. The woman though, she was so cool and collected. She did not have a single tear. Her makeup was still perfect and she said in a completely unshaken voice to her children, "It's ok, it's only 6 months. He'll be back before you know it."

When I watched this, and heard that come from her mouth, I thought "How could she be so calm?! How could she not be broken by her husband and the father of her children leaving?! Why is she not crying with those babies about not being able to hold her man for 6 whole months?! What is WRONG with this woman?!" I swore that day that I would NEVER be that way. That I would never lose the feelings that I had that day and that I would have them every time he left. From that day until just recently, I have thought about that woman. The image burnt into my brain and I have been SO MAD at her for the way that she was that afternoon. I didn't get it then, but I get it now.

Within the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about when Sophi and I have to put her daddy on a plane again very soon. Difference is, this time Sophi is actually here and she will be every time from here on out when we have to kiss Mitch goodbye for however long he will be gone. Something clicked for me the other day when I was thinking about how I'm going to have to learn to keep it together and be strong for our daughter as she says goodbye to her daddy, how I'm going to have to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't forget him while he is gone. It was in that moment that I thought about the woman with her three kids. All of a sudden my anger shifted to myself. I realized that this woman was probably as broken and devastated as I was. I imagine that after she got her children to bed that night, she shut herself in her room and cried and prayed for her husband's safe return in 6 months. I realized something that I could have never realized before actually becoming a mom. This woman was probably staying strong to PROTECT her babies. This is what she did and this is what I will have to do every time we say goodbye from now on. I no longer see her as who I once saw her as and I feel terrible for doing so in the first place. I'm sure that one day, there will be a woman in the same position that I was in before, without children and a complete mess, saying goodbye at the flight line and I'm sure that she will look at me the same way that I looked at this other mom but I pray that when that day comes, she will realize that I'm just doing it because I love my husband and I love our child and I need to keep her safe.