Kammi, The Hot Mess.

Do you ever feel like there is just so much on your chest that you need to get off and you don't know where to start?

That's me right now.

I know I've been talking a lot lately about how we are facing another deployment and it is getting closer and closer.  I know that some of you are probably sick of hearing about it, but whatever.  This is me.  This blog is my place to be happy and to be sad when I need to be.

I've had my sad moments, like I always do, but for the most part lately, I've been ok.

Except...I'm not really ok.

My head is a jumbled mess.  I have things that I want to write about and I just can't untangle the good things from the bad things in my mind right now.

I'm strong.  For my family.  I always will be.  But there is that part of me that just wants to fall apart.

This will be our third deployment in three years.  I should be used to this by now, right?  It has always been the same thing.  I am a mess leading up to deployment and then once he has been gone for a little while, things cool down and I'm good.

This time has been different, though.  This time, I've gone back and forth between being ok and being a mess.  My emotions are like a light switch when The Sophster get ahold of it...off...on...off...on...etc.

Gah!  It makes me feel looney!

I'm struggling with how sad The Sophster will be.  I hate that so many of her loved ones are in and out of her life.  Her sister and Bryson live in Louisiana, her Daddy goes on deployment, her Aunt Janine lives in Germany.  She gets to hold onto them just long enough to be super close and then they are ripped away.  While I love how in tune she is with her emotions, it makes me really sad when she says "I really miss my Sissy {Daddy, Aunt Janine, Brysee}".  We talk about how those people don't ever leave because they want to, it's because of work, school, etc.  She seems to get it.  Except, Daddy comes home from work every day now.  And he won't soon.  Not for almost eight long months.  That's somewhere around 245 days.  That's a life time for a two year old.

I'm struggling with the fact that this will be our longest deployment yet.  I'm now struggling with the 12 hour shifts that The Mister will be working {probably} until they leave.  There isn't enough time.  There aren't enough kisses or hugs or smells or snuggles or feels.  There aren't enough date nights left...there may not be anymore date nights.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm trying.  I'm trying to be here and to write.  But my posts may be sloppy and jumbled and all over the place for now.  So I just want to prepare you.  But don't worry, I never stay like this for long.

We Are Picture People

We recently had The Sophster's Fall/Halloween pictures done with the fabulous Sheri, from Wurth Images.  I just wanted to take a moment to share about Sheri and how wonderful she is!

We met Sheri last December.  She was introduced to us by a friend.  She is involved with Welcome Them Home, a group of photographers who do military homecoming photos and then she offers you the edited photos on disc for dirt cheap {basically the cost of gas and a little time for editing}.

I met her when she met us on base for Mitch's homecoming and I immediately loved her.  She was actually there to mostly capture pictures of my girlfriend and her family, but she managed to get some awesome shots of us, too.  They all make my heart skip.  This one still melts me every time I see it framed in our living room.

She also shot our family photos in January of this year when Sandra and Bryson visited.  It was a cold day and The Sophster was being less than cooperative.  Still, Sheri had some great ideas to keep all of the kids involved and to keep them all from getting bored.  

She is also about to become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, infant remembrance photography.  

The woman has such an incredible heart for people.  She absolutely blows me away by what an incredible human she is.  And also what an incredible mother she is to her beautiful daughter, Alice, or as The Sophster has so lovingly deemed her, Baby Awice.

So when it came time to get fall pictures done of The Sophster, there was no other choice for us.  We are forever clients of Wurth Images.  I'm also proud to say that she has become a friend to me.  

If you are local to the Jacksonville, FL area, please please please check Sheri out.  I promise you will love her.  I promise your kids will love her.  I very very highly recommend her services!

Now, without further ado...The Sophster...

Check That One Off The List! An Epic Mommy Fail.

You know that list that parents have of things that you hope never happen?  Ever had one of those things checked off?  I got to check off the first major one {seemed that way at the time, anyway} on Wednesday morning....

My mother-in-law is out of town and she left us with her car.  This had been nice because we have been a one car and one bike family since The Mister decided to sell his truck months before deployment and has been riding his bike to work every day.

The car has this little quirk where the driver's door doesn't lock/unlock with the electric locks or the key fab.  My guess is the actuator, but what do I know?  Anyway, you basically have to unlock the doors from the passenger side and climb over to the driver's side to lock the driver's door and visa versa for locking it.  Only, if you press the driver's door lock down manually, all of the other doors lock in the car.

Wednesday morning, The Mister left out of here to drive to Louisiana to pick up our oldest daughter, Sandra.  Naturally, he took our car.  It's a lot of miles from North Florida to almost New Orleans, we know that our car is dependable, and then there's the whole thing about insurance or whatever.

The Sophster and I needed to make a quick run to Target, so we got dressed and jumped in Oma's car.  When we got to Target, I went through my usual run down for what we needed to take into the store with us.  Into my purse went keys, phone, water bottle.  Then, I opened the door and thought "Hmm...I wonder if this door will lock from the door switch?"  I flipped the switch up and down a couple of times.  Nothing.  "Oh well", I thought, and shoved the lock down.  Jumped out of the car, closed the door....and immediately realized that I had locked all of the doors...with The Sophster inside the car.

So I locked my kid in the car, in a parking lot.  I mean, who cares about the parking lot, really?!  I LOCKED MY KID IN THE CAR!

I immediately started shaking like a leaf.  What was I going to do???  My purse, phone, keys, and CHILD were locked in this car!!

Thankfully, there was a nice gentleman across the parking lane from me and I very nervously asked for help.  He was very gracious and called the Sheriff's office for me and they were out within just a couple of minutes.

He asked if there was another key and I had no good answer...."No sir, there's not.  This is my mother-in-law's car, she's out of town.  My husband has our one car and is on his way to Louisiana to pick up my step daughter"

....I felt like puking.

I stood by Sophi's window making funny faces at her, praying she wouldn't start wigging out.  She did fine right until probably the last few seconds she was in there.  The officers were able to get into the car quickly and we got her out.  She was a little freaked out by all the policemen standing around and you know, from being locked in the car, so she wouldn't speak to the officers that just rescued her, but she did manage to give them each a high five and they gave her a Sheriff's Office bracelet for being so tough!

Also, that very same night, as The Mister was on his way home, our kitchen sink backed up.  The garbage disposal was clogged and I had a sink full of dishes to wash.  So, there they sat until the next morning when The Mister could fix it....and give me lessons on how to fix it, in case it happened again in the next 8 months.

These are the things that are supposed to happen during deployment!  Maybe they are just getting themselves out of the way before he leaves?  Oh that would be wonderful!  I hope it's not a sign that the worst is yet to come.

Stupid Deployment.  We really can never be friends.

Have you ever locked your kid{s} in the car?  What are some things that you have checked off of the "hope that never happens" list?  How did you handle it?  If you are a military family, what have been some of your toughest deployment/pre-deployment challenges to tackle?

It's Supposed to be a Good Thing...

This morning, as Mitch and I sat having some quiet snuggle time, I said with a heavy heart, "It's already Thursday...".

Usually, that statement would be a great thing.  It would mean that the week has gone by quickly, that tomorrow is Friday, and that we get to have our weekend together very soon.  While this is true and we will be spending our weekend together, it also means that the weeks are flying by and there is not much worse than time zipping by when you are in the wake of another deployment.

"It's already Thursday" means that we are almost one week closer to putting him on a plane.  It means one week closer to shipping half of my heart away.  It means we are one week closer to heartache.  It means I am one week closer to having to console a toddler who doesn't understand why Daddy isn't coming home from work to play, to have dinner, to put her to bed.

As the days grow closer to deployment, I feel myself sinking into more of the sad moments.  I feel myself trying to hide in my cave.  We have to give each other more pep talks and snuggle a little closer at night, hoping for a good nights sleep.  I hate it.  We hate it.  Being apart from the ones you love is never fun.

But, as always, we will get through it.  We always do.  We have God and we have each other.  I'm thankful for this life that I've been called to.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm so proud to be not only a military wife, but HIS military wife!

Are you a military spouse?  What are some ways you prepare for/get through deployments?  Do you have any suggestions for getting young children prepared for a deployment?

What we've been up to

The last time I wrote an update was about 10 months ago. That's just too long, so it's time that I give you an update.

Shortly after my last post, Mitch left for Japan for what would turn out to be a nearly 7 month deployment. Deployments are never easy, but this one was definitely easier on us than the last. We were able to FaceTime or Skype at least once a day and Sophi got to talk to and see daddy a lot, which was HUGE for all of us. She would "love daddy" (press her face against his and make a loving sound) and give him kisses. They would have tea parties and dance parties. It was cool.

We had a pretty fun summer, despite daddy being away. We stayed outdoors most days. I can't keep that kid inside! She is an outside girl just like her mommy. She loved going over to Granny's and getting into the pool or going to the base and playing at the splash park. She wanted to learn to swim so bad and would dunk her head under water or just dip her ears in or her face to blow bubbles. We played in the dirt a lot. She helped me in my garden, watering plants and pulling weeds and plucking flowers for our hair.

We started going for runs in late summer. We would grab the jogging stroller and a dog and head out early before it got too hot and run 3 miles or so. She loved to stop and feed the ducks. I loved getting what I fondly call my runner's tan and sweating my face off. I was able to lose 20 pounds from running. That's the rest of my baby weight plus a few pounds for good measure. ;)

In October, Sophi finally said something other than "mama" and "dada" which got the ball rolling on her really talking. I remember being concerned about her because she wasn't talking like most babies at her age. I knew she could hear me because she would respond in her own way, but she just refused to talk. We talked to her pediatrician about it and she sent us to have her hearing tested. After a couple of tests, it was determined that her hearing was fine. She was just stubborn...or maybe it was something else.

Mitch came home in December(Yay!). His flight arrived real late on the night they came in. Sophi had used up all of her energy by the time he came off the plane. She had just enough to give daddy a little hug and kiss and then back to mommy to fall asleep while we waited for Mitch's bags to unload. Naturally, I was nervous about how she would be the next morning since she kind of shied away from him that night. That baby put my worries to rest, though. When she woke that Saturday morning (the next day), She woke up saying "mommy mommy" as usual, but Mitch went to go get her while I watched on the monitor. Here's how it went: he walks into the room, she sees him, jumps up in her crib, throws her arms out and let's out this huge, happy scream: "DADDY! DADDY!!!". She leapt into his arms and pretty much didn't leave his side for the next few days. She would snuggle in his lap or tackle him on the floor. She would say his name and touch his face as if to say, "daddy, it's really you!" All of my fears were cast away.

Oh, about the talking thing? She was obviously saving that for her daddy because as soon as he came home, that baby started saying a handful of new words a day and was talking sentences within weeks! Amazing. She can now hold a conversation with us, along with reading her favorite books and singing a couple of songs. She blows our minds daily.

Sophi turned two earlier this month. TWO. My, how time does fly. We had a couple of celebrations for her. Mitch was working some crazy long hours so, the day before her birthday (Sunday), we let her pick out a cupcake at Target and smash it up. This was followed by a crazy dance party. The kid loves to dance on the coffee table! The following weekend, we had our family and closest friends come over for a little party. It was a lot of fun! Sophi's cousin, Jaiden, came to play and she also got to play with another new friend, Kiani. She played until the sun went down and then still partied for a few more hours until daddy finally came home from work and was able to read her a bed time story and it was off to bed she went.

I can't believe how much our family has grown over the last 10 months. We are happier and stronger than ever! 2013 has been and I know that it will continue to be an awesome year for us! Thanks for hanging with us!

I Get It Now

The last time I put Mitch on a plane for deployment was awful. Just awful. I was an absolute wreck. It was our first deployment, I was 30 weeks pregnant and now I was losing my husband for 6 months. I walked him as far as I could and gave him a hug and kiss that I hoped to hold onto for the next 6 months and then ran quickly back to the car. I am not good at crying in front of people and there were a lot of families there so I went and sat in my car and bawled and sobbed, rinse and repeat, for several minutes. When I somewhat pulled myself together, I realized that his plane had not left yet so I gathered myself as best as I could and I walked back to the fence at the flight line in hopes of catching one more glimpse of my love before the plane took off.

As I was standing there wiping the tears that rolled down my face no matter how hard I tried to fight them, I looked over and saw a woman herding her 3 children back to their vehicle. The kids were a mess. So sad that their daddy was leaving again for another 6 months. The woman though, she was so cool and collected. She did not have a single tear. Her makeup was still perfect and she said in a completely unshaken voice to her children, "It's ok, it's only 6 months. He'll be back before you know it."

When I watched this, and heard that come from her mouth, I thought "How could she be so calm?! How could she not be broken by her husband and the father of her children leaving?! Why is she not crying with those babies about not being able to hold her man for 6 whole months?! What is WRONG with this woman?!" I swore that day that I would NEVER be that way. That I would never lose the feelings that I had that day and that I would have them every time he left. From that day until just recently, I have thought about that woman. The image burnt into my brain and I have been SO MAD at her for the way that she was that afternoon. I didn't get it then, but I get it now.

Within the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about when Sophi and I have to put her daddy on a plane again very soon. Difference is, this time Sophi is actually here and she will be every time from here on out when we have to kiss Mitch goodbye for however long he will be gone. Something clicked for me the other day when I was thinking about how I'm going to have to learn to keep it together and be strong for our daughter as she says goodbye to her daddy, how I'm going to have to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't forget him while he is gone. It was in that moment that I thought about the woman with her three kids. All of a sudden my anger shifted to myself. I realized that this woman was probably as broken and devastated as I was. I imagine that after she got her children to bed that night, she shut herself in her room and cried and prayed for her husband's safe return in 6 months. I realized something that I could have never realized before actually becoming a mom. This woman was probably staying strong to PROTECT her babies. This is what she did and this is what I will have to do every time we say goodbye from now on. I no longer see her as who I once saw her as and I feel terrible for doing so in the first place. I'm sure that one day, there will be a woman in the same position that I was in before, without children and a complete mess, saying goodbye at the flight line and I'm sure that she will look at me the same way that I looked at this other mom but I pray that when that day comes, she will realize that I'm just doing it because I love my husband and I love our child and I need to keep her safe.