Kammi, The Hot Mess.

Do you ever feel like there is just so much on your chest that you need to get off and you don't know where to start?

That's me right now.

I know I've been talking a lot lately about how we are facing another deployment and it is getting closer and closer.  I know that some of you are probably sick of hearing about it, but whatever.  This is me.  This blog is my place to be happy and to be sad when I need to be.

I've had my sad moments, like I always do, but for the most part lately, I've been ok.

Except...I'm not really ok.

My head is a jumbled mess.  I have things that I want to write about and I just can't untangle the good things from the bad things in my mind right now.

I'm strong.  For my family.  I always will be.  But there is that part of me that just wants to fall apart.

This will be our third deployment in three years.  I should be used to this by now, right?  It has always been the same thing.  I am a mess leading up to deployment and then once he has been gone for a little while, things cool down and I'm good.

This time has been different, though.  This time, I've gone back and forth between being ok and being a mess.  My emotions are like a light switch when The Sophster get ahold of it...off...on...off...on...etc.

Gah!  It makes me feel looney!

I'm struggling with how sad The Sophster will be.  I hate that so many of her loved ones are in and out of her life.  Her sister and Bryson live in Louisiana, her Daddy goes on deployment, her Aunt Janine lives in Germany.  She gets to hold onto them just long enough to be super close and then they are ripped away.  While I love how in tune she is with her emotions, it makes me really sad when she says "I really miss my Sissy {Daddy, Aunt Janine, Brysee}".  We talk about how those people don't ever leave because they want to, it's because of work, school, etc.  She seems to get it.  Except, Daddy comes home from work every day now.  And he won't soon.  Not for almost eight long months.  That's somewhere around 245 days.  That's a life time for a two year old.

I'm struggling with the fact that this will be our longest deployment yet.  I'm now struggling with the 12 hour shifts that The Mister will be working {probably} until they leave.  There isn't enough time.  There aren't enough kisses or hugs or smells or snuggles or feels.  There aren't enough date nights left...there may not be anymore date nights.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm trying.  I'm trying to be here and to write.  But my posts may be sloppy and jumbled and all over the place for now.  So I just want to prepare you.  But don't worry, I never stay like this for long.