Let me just make a couple of things clear here. 1. I love my daughter more than anything on this Earth. I love her more than myself and nothing she could do will ever change that. 2. I am a Christian who does not 100% follow or believe in the laws of religion. I believe in love and relationships. I believe that Christ submitted himself to a horrific death because He loved me more than anything on this Earth, more than himself, and nothing I could ever do will change that.
Ok, if that doesn't make sense right now, hold tight, hopefully it will by the end of this.
I have been hearing a lot lately about how people are so pro-spanking. I am not. I think that spanking is a disgusting way of acting as a dictator, a controller, over a child. I don't spank my daughter and I do my best to not lose control over myself and yell at my daughter. She is a two year old who is having to learn how to control her own emotions and I will be damned if I teach her that yelling and hitting are ways to treat herself or anyone else around her. I know that I am not the perfect mother but I think I do a pretty good job. My child is happy. She is kind, respectful, polite, and she is all of these things just from learning by example. When I talk to her, I talk to her like a human being and not like an animal. I do not reprimand her when she is wrong, I take the time to explain and to teach because that is what works for us.
When we go out in a public place and she has a meltdown, it's usually for one of three reasons. She's hungry or tired {in which case I shouldn't have her out so close to lunch/nap time anyway} or she wants to get down and explore, instead of being confined to a shopping cart. Some moms would see this as their child "being a brat" or an inconvenience. But I say, she's TWO! Of course she doesn't want to be confined. In her mind, the store is a giant play place and she wants to get down and play and learn and touch and feel. So most of the time, I let her. It takes longer to get through places, but that's ok. She is learning and growing and she will only be this small for a very short time.
My mom raised my brother and myself as a single parent. My dad was a piece of crap drug addict who abandoned his family when his daughter {that's me} was only eight years old. My mom had a tough time. She did a good job. But, if you ask me to recall some of my most vivid memories of growing up, I will mostly remember the bad times. The day my dad left, the spankings done with a paddle, the slaps across my smartass teenage mouth, the knock down drag out fight between mom and I that ended in my little brother having to break it up. Even though my mom and I went on to have a good relationship, I don't want these memories for Sophi. Ever.
Last weekend, I made a remark about how Sophi has been having a difficult time controlling her emotions lately and has been acting out quite a bit more and about how I refuse to spank. Mom reminded me about Proverbs 13:24. You know, the spare the rod, spoil the child verse? I can't even begin to tell you how quickly the bad memories came flooding back in. I tried to forget about it but then I saw something on Facebook yesterday that upset me to the same degree. So, here I am today, waking up at 3:17am, thinking {and writing} about all of this.
I did a little looking into Proverbs 13:24 because I was struggling with how I've been taught {God is Love} and this verse {beat your children into submission}. I actually found several verses {from the KJV} where King Solomon writes about heavily disciplining children:
Prov 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently)."
Prov 19:18: "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."
Prov 22:15: "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."
Prov 23:13: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die."
Prov 23:14: "Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell (Shoel)."
Prov 29:15: "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."
It is believed that, King Solomon wrote these things about his son, Rehoboam. Funny thing {not really}, as an adult, Rehoboam was a viscous leader, unfeeling, inconsiderate to his subjects, had no regard for human rights, and was widely hated {narrowly escaping death at the hand of his own people in 1 Kings}. What does that tell you about the parenting methods used by King Solomon? Can we not agree that as parents, the way that we raise our children will reflect heavily on who they become as adults?
Like I said, I am a Christian, I believe in the Word, but I also believe that some bible verses {like Proverbs 13:24} should be reevaluated to some degree. Of course, I discipline Sophi, to a degree. I am not here to be her buddy. But, I am also not here to be a ruler over her. I am here to be her MOTHER. I am firm when I need to be, but above all, I am her teacher and I am the one who will always love her more than anyone. Ever. It is my job to make her feel loved, deserved, important. And I don't ever want her to think otherwise.
I don't think that my God wants me to beat my child. I think that the second part of that verse, "but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them" {NIV}, is often left out. Careful to discipline. Love. These are the words that hold true to me. I will love and I will be careful to discipline and correct. I WILL SPARE THE ROD. My child may be spoiled, but she is spoiled with LOVE. And I'm ok with that.
I'm sure that I will have some readers that will disagree with things that I have said here, and that's ok. This blog is not written to please everyone. It is an outlet for me. I needed to get this out there and now I have, so thank you for sticking with me.
On a brighter note, here is The Sophster enjoying our first spring strawberry from our local farm delivery. :)
I think this is terrific and I think you're on the right path. I wish I were as calm about some things as you are...but I've recently learned that if (just as one example) I TELL Slaeda BEFORE we go into the store that she will be expected to sit in the cart, she'll do it with little to no fuss. I wish I had your patience :) and I LOVE, LOVE that you let Sophi learn to make some of these decisions, but also guide her towards making the right choices.
ReplyDeleteI don't spank as a general rule...I'm not saying I won't, but that's neither here nor there...what I'm getting at is that you are right. You have to look beyond the initial meltdown to figure out what's wrong...and where we as parents need to be held accountable for poor timing and being late in feeding our kids, etc. just to make a quick trip.
Two is a terribly emotional time. But, waiting it out, explaining that melting down isn't going to do anything and when you're ready to be calm and talk about it we'll talk...they learn that they DO have control and they feel better about themselves and learn faster.
I loved your post. Keep up the good work, Kammi!!
Kammi, you are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. How you raise Spoil is between you, Mitchell and God. I am not as patient with Noah and when I feel it is necessary, not often mind you, but I do spank him. But my impatience is only because I let myself be distracted when I am with him, instead of setting everything aside and putting my entire self in the moment. I get better and stronger everyday because, as you said, they are learning. I have my faith but I don't agree with it all either.
ReplyDeleteAlways remember, as long as Sophi is growing and developing the way you believe she should be, then you are doing it right, for you and your family.
Thank you both for commenting! @Bonnie, I definitely can agree with you about letting yourself get distracted. It's so easy to do and then those are the times I get frustrated, forget to breathe, and sometimes end up yelling at her. Like, I said, I am no where near perfect. Just trying my best like the rest of us. :)
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